Everything to Know About Your inner voice
and how to accept yourself as you are
As you go through this, pause occasionally to ask yourself this: In this very moment, do I accept myself just as I am? Try to listen deeply to what your body is telling you and how your mind responds to it – how you respond to it.
The little voice in your head
One of the hardest parts of my health issues was how being sick became a constant commentary on who I am and what is wrong with me. Each time I felt this weight in my gut getting heavier, my mind would flood with stories and interpretations.
What have you done to yourself this time ? Is it so hard to eat healthy or are you just not capable of doing so? Everyone else is fine so why aren’t you? Your partner won’t stay with you forever if you can’t get this under control. It’s disgusting to run to the bathroom constantly, so find a way to stop it immediately. Will I ever be able to eat normal again, like others?
Along with every new wave of exhaustion, pain or diarrhea would arise this feeling of personal weakness, shame and disappointment in myself. Every single stomach cramp, aching or grumbling would cause more and more stories to swirl around in my head.
My digestion became my enemy, an evil collaborator with the voice in my head, my daily companion.
On some days it was so bad that I even felt uncomfortable looking my partner in the eyes after every visit to the bathroom. I didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me or seeing me getting changed, because I just felt disgusting and ashamed of myself. He could tell me over and over that it’s not gross at all, but the voice in my head was and is always louder.
how i became aware of my inner critic
If you haven’t already read my article on the big decision that changed my life, you might not know that I’ve been working on my self-awareness, my attitude and confidence for a while now. For this reason I decided to sort out a whole lot of things after returning to Germany, like talking to loved ones about things I have never said before.
My whole life I have always been the nice Rieke who would never share her opinion just to make others feel better and like me more. Coming back to my old life also meant choosing to live like the person I wanted to be. That’s why I sat down with my family and then some friends to tell each one of them what has been weighing on my shoulders over the past years.
There were tears, my heart rate was going crazy but most importantly: I felt one rock after another falling off my shoulders and disappearing behind me.
All of the people I have talked to asked me the same question: Why did you never open your mouth and tell us?
So it became clear to me that trying to be nice actually hurt the people I love. After talking about it I suddenly understood what was going on the whole time. A lot of what has added weight to my shoulders wasn’t just because of some people around me, it was also a result of the constant commentary in my head. My daily companion, which would cause all these fears, anxieties and uncomfortable feelings.
how to shift to a less-critical inner voice
What is this voice telling you right now? What is your body telling you and how does your mind respond to it – how do you respond to it?
To stop adding weight onto my shoulders and start living like the Rieke I wanted to be, I had to deal with this commentary in my head. But how do you do that? Do you have to get rid of it or could it actually be something useful – something that brings you forward?
I’ve never considered why there is this commentator in my head, observing and criticising my actions and I’ve definitely never mentioned it to anyone else.
But after starting to research this topic I found out that almost everyone has these conversations in their heads. Thinking about work, conversing with friends and family, telling ourselves jokes, replaying dialogues from the past or imagining what could happen in the future, we’re going through our day to day life while having a constant dialogue with ourselves.
Self-empowerment author Tony Fahkry says our thoughts are more scattered when we’re tired, hungry or emotionally drained. On the flipside, they can be more positive when we’re feeling healthy, energetic and motivated.
I guess that explains the critical commentator in my head every time my tummy started to hurt or grumble.
But does this mean I would have negative thoughts until my health would better?
Author Dan Harris of the book 10 Percent Happier, describes the voice in his head – the running commentary that had dominated my field of consciousness since I could remember – as kind of an asshole.
I think we should see it like this: Without the mind doing its job , we would probably not act rationally or process what is going on in our lives. We couldn’t decide whether this or that decision is better and we would definitely not be alert enough to realise any threats around us. In fact it is just a natural process from our body to protect us, which must have been very useful back in the days when we still lived in caves, surrounded by danger. A bloated tummy or some diarrhea was probably one of the smallest problems people had in the past.
So during my work on my self- awareness, my attitude and the person I want to be, I’ve learned that we are not our thoughts. Getting caught up in a commentary about ourselves after killing a package of crisps is just a natural process of our body adding context and meaning to what we’re experiencing. We simply label these experiences as good or bad from the way our thoughts make us feel. This is not necessarily a bad thing because it’s wired into our genetic disposition to make sense of the world.
learning how to let go
I could talk about this for ages and I’m sure I’ll write many more blog posts on my mindfulness journey, but here’s what I would like to learn to deal with the negative thoughts until my health will get better:
You are the only one receiving and observing your own thoughts. It is your own experience and the way it makes you feel depends on the meaning you add to the commentary. Instead of getting caught up in the stories, try to pause and listen to what is going on.
By listening deeply, can you feel the emotions your thoughts can cause? Can you name what is going on and then let go of it?
Some meditation practises suggest seeing the thoughts as clouds passing by. If you simply notice them floating past your window and return to your breath every time you get caught up in the stories, you can learn how to let go.
How i practise Self-acceptance
The next time my tummy started aching I tried to pause and listen to what was happening. I drank my morning coffee and with it came the first signal of pain somewhere in my gut, like a cramp. Then a grumble and some air moving through my tummy. All of a sudden I felt how my whole body was affected by this uncomfortable feeling in my gut. It almost felt like I was nervous and getting restless. Exhaustion and fatigue were setting in and I started to feel confused. That’s where my mind begins its work. One story after another causing confusion, shame, sadness and disgust. Every time those feelings arise I just want to wrap myself in a blanket and wait until they are gone.
Why are you drinking coffee on an empty stomach? You know how bad this is for you, but you do it anyway. It’s all your fault that you’re feeling worse again now. It’s going to continue the whole day and there’s nothing you can do about it anymore.
Isn’t this chain of thoughts and feelings fascinating? I realised how I am my own worst critic. I would never talk to a loved one or a friend or anybody else the way I sometimes talk to myself. And having these health issues opened my eyes to how bad the running commentary in my mind actually was.
How could my body possibly heal when I tell myself that I can’t take care of it?!
I definitely don’t accept myself just as I am sometimes, especially in those moments. But I am working on it. And on good days, I can feel the negative self-talk starting to fade into the background where it belongs.
So what about you – in this very moment, do you accept yourself just as you are?
